Last time I saw my post Raining over Berlin, that made me cry.
Dreams are recurrent. The ones that come again and again. they are just waiting to be fulfilled.
Yes I am going to Berlin. To Germany.
My wanting to go to Germany started because of one man. yes, let's put it like that. as simple as possible.
It's not bubbling inside my stomach for the moment. I haven't realised yet (physically) that am going to be there.
I haven't had wild dreams about it. it's not something that I am chasing or that is chasing me.
I simply have to do it.
Yes, the need to belong to nowhere and to travel has always been there.
It scared me to think that next winter i'll be in the same place that i am right now.
To grow the same flowers again.
It scares me to think i'll not be moving and not be going to see new things, doing new things.
But today I am surely pissed. against myself mainly and some other people.
Yes I let them treat me as a baby, someone who doesn't know what he's doing.
I love the word piss pot. and am not a piss pot!
I am not what you'd say a good friend. that annoys me today.
I am as clear as possible with my dealings with people, if there's something about them that bothers me, then it gets difficult for me. I can't clearly tell someone that they're bothering me.
So i get to my hiding place.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Raining over the south
Dear Cat People,
Ofcourse I wouldn't be here if I had a proper job. But let's be serious here, I never wanted a serious job. All i have even wanted was to travel, take them pictures, photos and rant about it.
I keep thinking these days, now that am getting older!! haha to that!, would my younger self, let's say the 15 years old one, would I be happy about how things are going?
Last time, i talked to a friend, told him what i was up to. what i've been doing. he was not happy, he thought it was all shit.
I say it's part of the process.
I have after some weeks and months, really come to the place I wanted. it's not very clear. Let me explain.
Few months back, i didn't know where I was going. Didn't have no plans. Started to think it's all a waste of time.
Looking at stars don't definitely quiet the hungry stomach! take that!
Yeah, I love being clueless! It's irritating. At 15 you know u need to finish school and go to university. Study.
It's supposed to be a laid out plan. everyone follows.
seriously, i didn't quite bother what i'd do after uni. the time came, i got a work. got back to uni. loved it the second time.
got some more work. Didn't get time to question whether I was satisfied or now.
I have discovered that there's no little or big job. no big people no small people. in terms of jobs ofcourse.
As long as i was doing something, kept me busy. i was okay.
Now, i play the piano, since a year now. the 15 year old would be proud, would even say she knew it. She knew we'd make something up.
Right now, i have a choked voice. can't sing to Incubus real good. but that's okay.
I don't know whether not crying makes me any stronger.
how would you measure strength anyway?
A man's way of strength would definitely be that he doesn't cry. then, it's also the ability of being able to show the emotions.
that's rat shit!
or horse shit!
It's clear to me by now, that there are two sides of me. I cannot put any away! that would be suicide!
the soft heart and the badass heart, with no emotions one!
The thing is to have a plan. if it doesn't work out in the beginning, no problem. work with other plans.
but if in the future you see that you're coming back to a certain plan. then go ahead, work with it.
People keep coming. People you will love and hope you'd be able to stay with.
People who make you smile and laugh. just being with them makes you a better person. They don't judge you, just is! Life just it!
Then there are some who make you cry. Tearless, choking cries, which make everything incomprehensible.
I have decided that I don't want any of these people. I would love them sure, but i don't want them.
Give them all when they come to you, but not yourself.
But then, me being a strange being, the problem may be lying within me!
Do not force anything, so I have learnt.
In the past i thought i kicked open doors. Oh fool! they were open for me!
It is endless Love, but don't let it make you a fool! not a fool for love!
but not a fool to logic either!!
Love fills you with joy,
Logic fills you with self confidence.
A mix of both would be lovely!
Stories usually fill my head. stories i make up to feel good. But then lately, at times, I do not feel the need for these stories.. I am naturally light and happy! just Am! hahahah
What makes you sleep at night? i googled sleep, and sleepy hollow came!!
Ofcourse I wouldn't be here if I had a proper job. But let's be serious here, I never wanted a serious job. All i have even wanted was to travel, take them pictures, photos and rant about it.
I keep thinking these days, now that am getting older!! haha to that!, would my younger self, let's say the 15 years old one, would I be happy about how things are going?
Last time, i talked to a friend, told him what i was up to. what i've been doing. he was not happy, he thought it was all shit.
I say it's part of the process.
I have after some weeks and months, really come to the place I wanted. it's not very clear. Let me explain.
Few months back, i didn't know where I was going. Didn't have no plans. Started to think it's all a waste of time.
Looking at stars don't definitely quiet the hungry stomach! take that!
Yeah, I love being clueless! It's irritating. At 15 you know u need to finish school and go to university. Study.
It's supposed to be a laid out plan. everyone follows.
seriously, i didn't quite bother what i'd do after uni. the time came, i got a work. got back to uni. loved it the second time.
got some more work. Didn't get time to question whether I was satisfied or now.
I have discovered that there's no little or big job. no big people no small people. in terms of jobs ofcourse.
As long as i was doing something, kept me busy. i was okay.
Now, i play the piano, since a year now. the 15 year old would be proud, would even say she knew it. She knew we'd make something up.
Right now, i have a choked voice. can't sing to Incubus real good. but that's okay.
I don't know whether not crying makes me any stronger.
how would you measure strength anyway?
A man's way of strength would definitely be that he doesn't cry. then, it's also the ability of being able to show the emotions.
that's rat shit!
or horse shit!
It's clear to me by now, that there are two sides of me. I cannot put any away! that would be suicide!
the soft heart and the badass heart, with no emotions one!
The thing is to have a plan. if it doesn't work out in the beginning, no problem. work with other plans.
but if in the future you see that you're coming back to a certain plan. then go ahead, work with it.
People keep coming. People you will love and hope you'd be able to stay with.
People who make you smile and laugh. just being with them makes you a better person. They don't judge you, just is! Life just it!
Then there are some who make you cry. Tearless, choking cries, which make everything incomprehensible.
I have decided that I don't want any of these people. I would love them sure, but i don't want them.
Give them all when they come to you, but not yourself.
But then, me being a strange being, the problem may be lying within me!
Do not force anything, so I have learnt.
In the past i thought i kicked open doors. Oh fool! they were open for me!
It is endless Love, but don't let it make you a fool! not a fool for love!
but not a fool to logic either!!
Love fills you with joy,
Logic fills you with self confidence.
A mix of both would be lovely!
Stories usually fill my head. stories i make up to feel good. But then lately, at times, I do not feel the need for these stories.. I am naturally light and happy! just Am! hahahah
What makes you sleep at night? i googled sleep, and sleepy hollow came!!
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