I think I have a fear of rejection. I am quasi-sure.
I ask for forgiveness and patience to the people I love. Do I provide them with the same.
Always thought I have lots of patience. I don't. I am an impatient person. I am stubborn.
I thought I would be different after Berlin. In Berlin.
I went there with a different mind-set. I thought I wouldn't be back home. Home where I am the most impatient person I know.
Much analysis is required. or not.
I blame it on the fact that I have seen it all here. Maybe I said it before, I left this place with no regrets. Nothing to come back to.
Now I want to get back to Berlin, because I have something to get back to, over there.
Seriously I don't know if it's a good thing.
Always thought I was someone who wouldn't favour my future or career or eagerness to travel over a person. Apparently I don't know who I am.
Or is it that I always need something concrete to concentrate on. I really need to practice what I preach. Meditation.
Am I stuck somewhere I don't know. somewhere in my mind. Patience.
I do get irritated.
I fucking loved Hatfield, St Albans, and London Colney. And so I would yes, write about it all the time. I look at the pictures of the road and rain there. the wet roads and the clouds.
I am stuck. in the past. I yes, do not like the present. although I am healthy and all that.
It's beautiful here.
I told my friend that it's better to be whole Ones than half of each other. Well I need to practice that as well.
Why is it easier away from home. Where is all my courage lost?
What is in the future that I fear? fear of not getting what I want? fear of being alone? of ending up alone? Anger? towards everyone else?
I am very easy to forgive. Why do I need reasons for everything?
Is it curiosity?
Lots of questions to myself. Do I have a fear of relationships?
Saying let go is very very easy. But right now I am checking my phone over and over again.
I don't want to live through that thing again. with that thing in my stomach all the time. With my fingers burning.
And it's not going to happen.
I am healthy, sexy and a fucking genius out of work! Now stop being a drama queen and be kick ass.
