This is from Ludwigsburg. We had gone there for a job fair.

Ingolstadt

Since 2011 I wanted to go to Ingolstadt. I wanted to go to the University in Ingolstadt. Because I loved Audi. I wanted to study in Germany. I loved Audi. I didn't love cars. I loved Audi.
I know nothing else about old cars. I just know their engine sound good. Everything that fits together, and everything makes sense. And it's completely running.

Before that, I wanted to save the world. Energy saving stuffs and all that. I tried lots of things.
I tried to get interested. I realise maybe now, that something really interested me, I would definitely work towards it.
Then my dad said when I really put my head into something I really achieve it. I didn't know that of myself.
So I put myself into getting to work in Germany. To be an Engineer. because I told everyone, you
don't get to be a real engineer in Mauritius.
So now, some 5 years later, I am here, in Ingolstadt, sitting writing this blog. Listening to some violin music. Cello infact.
anyway. Yes I made it to Ingolstadt. I wanted it badly. I saw it. I was ready to put up with some farting old engineer with no matters. I have been said that my name don't fit here. So let's just call you Jo. I said ok. But it bothered me from the moment I heard it. I should have gone away from here two weeks ago. But I stayed.
Ingolstadt is truly beautiful, it's a village. The people are nice. The place is rich in many ways.
But it's not a place for me.
I am sad, yes.
I am clueless, yes.
I am also stubborn. I am hanging in between not know what I want and what I really want.
Putting it to words here, may help.
Things are almost ready, bags half packed. and we are back to Berlin.
Makes me smile. Saying we makes more sense now. All the things I do, it's now We do.

I don't know if it's bad luck saying this, but maybe I am just experiencing the things I really wanted in the past. Everything coming true in one way or the other.
I have been here 4 weeks and I didn't go to the Audi Museum.
Maybe I am out of love. Disillusioned.
Have I been in some kind of illusion. Hoping people will accept me for my work. Have they be judging me in other ways as well. ways I don't know of. Maybe.

On a lighter note, there are assholes everywhere. Everywhere. They cannot help it.

Thank you to myself to read the things I wrote while in Hertfordshire.
I have a terrible love for life. (Please someone write this about me when I am dead)

To see, to breathe, not to be locked it. We found love.
I am in love with a city. Walking around in its streets. It seems like my plan was always Berlin. Never has it been different.
Ich muss auf Deutsch denken, dann kann ich mehr sprechen, oder?
Man macht Fehler. Wir machen Fehler. Das ist auch Ok.
Der Luft, in Ingolstadt, gefällt mir sehr.
Ja ja, ich weiß dass ich viele negative Dinge über Ingolstadt gesprochen habe.
Aber es ist hier zu klein.

Ich habe 10 Postkarte gekauft, aber habe nur 2 geschickt, und das macht auch keine Sinn.
Ich bin keine Hexe.
Glaube, dass ich technischer Deutsch lernen muss. das werde mir helfen.
Verrückt, das was bin ich.
Total verrückte!!

A stranger in the snow

I promised someone a love letter.
And I have just decided that its subject will be a Stranger in the snow.

Continuously I re-evaluate myself. with respect to others. Do I treat others well enough?
I do not know, 2 of my childhood friends no longer are my best friends. We never had much in common. Is it the real reason? Until further notice, I will take the blame upon myself.
Like the Hatfield tragedy. But wait, I have started to realise it wasn't really love at all.

Things take time, and good work takes its own time. I would love to be able to write it in German, but I am not very sure of myself. My good friend will end up correcting my grammar instead. So please excuse me.
I am allowing time to do its thing.

When I will set foot in that beautiful city,
I will say that I have reached home again,
I have things in my head,
My list of things to do gets longer,
And you keep getting ahead of everything else,

Cannot go on.

Gesund zu sein

Here I am, in my precious Berlin, with my precious Berlin. Things have thoroughly changed.
The winds are still very cold. But it is Spring.
Nothing rivals the beauty of spring.

Words are words... they are simply here to convey message. As long as the intentions are good.
I came back here to soothe the mind a bit.
I have found a wonderful friend. We share all the precious things in life.
He is sure nicer than I am, puts up with my stupidities.

Then there's the Vegan movement of Berlin. It's so much easier to be vegetarian or vegan or vegetalian or whatever here.
Then there are vegan clothes as well. Everything exists in Berlin.
And in the Flohmarkt, they sell just anything. Anything and everything.

Yes. I am half lying on the sofa, trying to push away negative thoughts. Yes, they occur, on every monday, every weekend, every wednesday night, almost always.
But the skies are blue. We'll live.

The clothes, jeans are being washed , Kurz und Wasser plus.

I have decided to eat more fruits and drink my water early morning when I wake up.
Healthier. Gesund.

I had an interview last week. The first of the year, since I have been here.
In Frankfurt and it was a beautiful city.
I blabbered. They blabbered more than I did.
then i  just paused on writing this post, to google what it means when the interviewers talked more than me.
I am on the Desperate side of the story since some months now.
I keep counting days in my head. keep checking the emails whole day.

Ah mais enfin. I get afraid, I won't be able to stay here. As I said before, I don't have any backup plan. Sure there are so many things to do.

Just cleaned the house.
I have been learning Python. I never really liked programming. Always found it boring. Or it seems I left when it was getting interesting. once again! et enfin! it seems that it's catching up with me.
hmm!
Maybe I need to watch a few episodes of CSI or just Pirates. some Jack Sparrow always does me good. The courage.
Am on a bad slope right now. So let's talk about the next thing that is bothering me. The fact that I will keep on complaining after getting a job.
it never stops, does it? we are never satisfied.

Yep hoped that at the end of the post I would feel better about myself. only a little.

Raining over my head

I think I have a fear of rejection. I am quasi-sure.

I ask for forgiveness and patience to the people I love. Do I provide them with the same.
Always thought I have lots of patience. I don't. I am an impatient person. I am stubborn.

I thought I would be different after Berlin. In Berlin.

I went there with a different mind-set. I thought I wouldn't be back home. Home where I am the most impatient person I know.
Much analysis is required. or not.

I blame it on the fact that I have seen it all here. Maybe I said it before, I left this place with no regrets. Nothing to come back to.
Now I want to get back to Berlin, because I have something to get back to, over there.
Seriously I don't know if it's a good thing.
Always thought I was someone who wouldn't favour my future or career or eagerness to travel over a person. Apparently I don't know who I am.
Or is it that I always need something concrete to concentrate on. I really need to practice what I preach. Meditation.

Am I stuck somewhere I don't know. somewhere in my mind. Patience.
I do get irritated.

I fucking loved Hatfield, St Albans, and London Colney. And so I would yes, write about it all the time. I look at the pictures of the road and rain there. the wet roads and the clouds.
I am stuck. in the past. I yes, do not like the present. although I am healthy and all that.
It's beautiful here.

I told my friend that it's better to be whole Ones than half of each other. Well I need to practice that as well.
Why is it easier away from home. Where is all my courage lost?

What is in the future that I fear? fear of not getting what I want? fear of being alone? of ending up alone? Anger? towards everyone else?
I am very easy to forgive. Why do I need reasons for everything?
Is it curiosity?
Lots of questions to myself. Do I have a fear of relationships?

Saying let go is very very easy. But right now I am checking my phone over and over again.

I don't want to live through that thing again. with that thing in my stomach all the time. With my fingers burning.
And it's not going to happen.

I am healthy, sexy and a fucking genius out of work! Now stop being a drama queen and be kick ass.

Past twelve

It's been only 2 months away from Berlin. I just counted it. This cannot be. only two months? that's lots of days.

I am hoping to get away there soon. I cannot stay here anymore.
Even my garden, doesn't help a lot. I don't know why.

Well, the good news is that, as ever, my previous post was to lift myself up. I am down under right down. Also hoping it's the hormones.

The other good thing that I forgot to mention was that I found the soul of Berlin.
Last time, I was standing on that balcony of the 5th floor, thinking of it.
Then I was laying on the grass in the Reichstag garden, at night, after a wonderful evening walking in the Friedrichstraße, I decided that the soul of Berlin was next to me. Looking at the stars, we were just enjoying each other. I told him of my constellations. Cassiopeia, Cygnus and Vega. How I didn't see them in the south.
Then automatically he said, there must be those I couldn't see from the north. We spoke of Scorpio.
I was holding very tight of him when I saw that one falling star I had gone chasing the night before.

The sun had painted the old buildings made of bricks that evening. one of the most beautiful sunsets, in the most beautiful street.
He had danced to the music that was coming from an unseen singer. Bob Marley. Rich mama!
 I am a stiff person. I rarely move to the music when in the open.
But on another night, much later, I was dancing with him, when that little lady was singing wonderfully under bridge near Alexanderplatz. Was nearly midnight.
He was more surprised when I was moving along.

To a more sad part of my today's story; It is sounding more and more strange to me that I was in Berlin.
It's not the same as Hatfield. Someone there had made me cry terribly. with anger. being stubborn to prove something to the world. Just a stupid girl.
Am still a stupid girl. But now, I am a small stupid girl with black hair and brown eyes.
I got defined!

Saw something today: Too busy feeling feelings and overthinking about them.
Yes, I had spent lots of my time analysing what was, what could be,
Even think I was manipulated.

Have we been enchained? Perhaps. By?

It was definitely the night at the Beer festival that opened me up. Yes I needed some kind of approval that I was visible.
I felt more drunk than those who actually drank the beer and ate the Wurst!
The music, the people. Life was about being okay.
Okay, Accept who they are and how they behave.
They find you beautiful and they find you ugly.
You are small, you are tall.
They find you fair and you are dark.
Everything is suddenly so subjective.
And you want to find something constant.
And will soon complain about it.
Have you forgotten your last love.
Are you afraid to jump into something new.
Are you still stubborn, repeating old mistakes.

The good thing is we are comfortable with silences.

I listened to some beautiful music today, on the street to Alexanderplatz.
Maybe reading this line some time later, will make me smile, sad or I don't know.

I have been trying to find the soul of this city. Well not literally. But something that makes this city breathe.
There are very few people here. It's not very dense.
A stranger smiled at me in the shop today. It warmed my heart. Cold heart. Didn't know how much i was missing being smiled at.

I still go out and walk with a fear. of not feeling well suddenly. that i might be too tired suddenly.
in this vast vast country.