I think I have a fear of rejection. I am quasi-sure.
I ask for forgiveness and patience to the people I love. Do I provide them with the same.
Always thought I have lots of patience. I don't. I am an impatient person. I am stubborn.
I thought I would be different after Berlin. In Berlin.
I went there with a different mind-set. I thought I wouldn't be back home. Home where I am the most impatient person I know.
Much analysis is required. or not.
I blame it on the fact that I have seen it all here. Maybe I said it before, I left this place with no regrets. Nothing to come back to.
Now I want to get back to Berlin, because I have something to get back to, over there.
Seriously I don't know if it's a good thing.
Always thought I was someone who wouldn't favour my future or career or eagerness to travel over a person. Apparently I don't know who I am.
Or is it that I always need something concrete to concentrate on. I really need to practice what I preach. Meditation.
Am I stuck somewhere I don't know. somewhere in my mind. Patience.
I do get irritated.
I fucking loved Hatfield, St Albans, and London Colney. And so I would yes, write about it all the time. I look at the pictures of the road and rain there. the wet roads and the clouds.
I am stuck. in the past. I yes, do not like the present. although I am healthy and all that.
It's beautiful here.
I told my friend that it's better to be whole Ones than half of each other. Well I need to practice that as well.
Why is it easier away from home. Where is all my courage lost?
What is in the future that I fear? fear of not getting what I want? fear of being alone? of ending up alone? Anger? towards everyone else?
I am very easy to forgive. Why do I need reasons for everything?
Is it curiosity?
Lots of questions to myself. Do I have a fear of relationships?
Saying let go is very very easy. But right now I am checking my phone over and over again.
I don't want to live through that thing again. with that thing in my stomach all the time. With my fingers burning.
And it's not going to happen.
I am healthy, sexy and a fucking genius out of work! Now stop being a drama queen and be kick ass.
Monday, December 7, 2015
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Past twelve
It's been only 2 months away from Berlin. I just counted it. This cannot be. only two months? that's lots of days.
I am hoping to get away there soon. I cannot stay here anymore.
Even my garden, doesn't help a lot. I don't know why.
Well, the good news is that, as ever, my previous post was to lift myself up. I am down under right down. Also hoping it's the hormones.
The other good thing that I forgot to mention was that I found the soul of Berlin.
Last time, I was standing on that balcony of the 5th floor, thinking of it.
Then I was laying on the grass in the Reichstag garden, at night, after a wonderful evening walking in the Friedrichstraße, I decided that the soul of Berlin was next to me. Looking at the stars, we were just enjoying each other. I told him of my constellations. Cassiopeia, Cygnus and Vega. How I didn't see them in the south.
Then automatically he said, there must be those I couldn't see from the north. We spoke of Scorpio.
I was holding very tight of him when I saw that one falling star I had gone chasing the night before.
The sun had painted the old buildings made of bricks that evening. one of the most beautiful sunsets, in the most beautiful street.
He had danced to the music that was coming from an unseen singer. Bob Marley. Rich mama!
I am a stiff person. I rarely move to the music when in the open.
But on another night, much later, I was dancing with him, when that little lady was singing wonderfully under bridge near Alexanderplatz. Was nearly midnight.
He was more surprised when I was moving along.
To a more sad part of my today's story; It is sounding more and more strange to me that I was in Berlin.
It's not the same as Hatfield. Someone there had made me cry terribly. with anger. being stubborn to prove something to the world. Just a stupid girl.
Am still a stupid girl. But now, I am a small stupid girl with black hair and brown eyes.
I got defined!
Saw something today: Too busy feeling feelings and overthinking about them.
Yes, I had spent lots of my time analysing what was, what could be,
Even think I was manipulated.
Have we been enchained? Perhaps. By?
It was definitely the night at the Beer festival that opened me up. Yes I needed some kind of approval that I was visible.
I felt more drunk than those who actually drank the beer and ate the Wurst!
The music, the people. Life was about being okay.
Okay, Accept who they are and how they behave.
They find you beautiful and they find you ugly.
You are small, you are tall.
They find you fair and you are dark.
Everything is suddenly so subjective.
And you want to find something constant.
And will soon complain about it.
Have you forgotten your last love.
Are you afraid to jump into something new.
Are you still stubborn, repeating old mistakes.
The good thing is we are comfortable with silences.
I am hoping to get away there soon. I cannot stay here anymore.
Even my garden, doesn't help a lot. I don't know why.
Well, the good news is that, as ever, my previous post was to lift myself up. I am down under right down. Also hoping it's the hormones.
The other good thing that I forgot to mention was that I found the soul of Berlin.
Last time, I was standing on that balcony of the 5th floor, thinking of it.
Then I was laying on the grass in the Reichstag garden, at night, after a wonderful evening walking in the Friedrichstraße, I decided that the soul of Berlin was next to me. Looking at the stars, we were just enjoying each other. I told him of my constellations. Cassiopeia, Cygnus and Vega. How I didn't see them in the south.
Then automatically he said, there must be those I couldn't see from the north. We spoke of Scorpio.
I was holding very tight of him when I saw that one falling star I had gone chasing the night before.
The sun had painted the old buildings made of bricks that evening. one of the most beautiful sunsets, in the most beautiful street.
He had danced to the music that was coming from an unseen singer. Bob Marley. Rich mama!
I am a stiff person. I rarely move to the music when in the open.
But on another night, much later, I was dancing with him, when that little lady was singing wonderfully under bridge near Alexanderplatz. Was nearly midnight.
He was more surprised when I was moving along.
To a more sad part of my today's story; It is sounding more and more strange to me that I was in Berlin.
It's not the same as Hatfield. Someone there had made me cry terribly. with anger. being stubborn to prove something to the world. Just a stupid girl.
Am still a stupid girl. But now, I am a small stupid girl with black hair and brown eyes.
I got defined!
Saw something today: Too busy feeling feelings and overthinking about them.
Yes, I had spent lots of my time analysing what was, what could be,
Even think I was manipulated.
Have we been enchained? Perhaps. By?
It was definitely the night at the Beer festival that opened me up. Yes I needed some kind of approval that I was visible.
I felt more drunk than those who actually drank the beer and ate the Wurst!
The music, the people. Life was about being okay.
Okay, Accept who they are and how they behave.
They find you beautiful and they find you ugly.
You are small, you are tall.
They find you fair and you are dark.
Everything is suddenly so subjective.
And you want to find something constant.
And will soon complain about it.
Have you forgotten your last love.
Are you afraid to jump into something new.
Are you still stubborn, repeating old mistakes.
The good thing is we are comfortable with silences.
I listened to some beautiful music today, on the street to Alexanderplatz.
Maybe reading this line some time later, will make me smile, sad or I don't know.
I have been trying to find the soul of this city. Well not literally. But something that makes this city breathe.
There are very few people here. It's not very dense.
A stranger smiled at me in the shop today. It warmed my heart. Cold heart. Didn't know how much i was missing being smiled at.
I still go out and walk with a fear. of not feeling well suddenly. that i might be too tired suddenly.
in this vast vast country.
Maybe reading this line some time later, will make me smile, sad or I don't know.
I have been trying to find the soul of this city. Well not literally. But something that makes this city breathe.
There are very few people here. It's not very dense.
A stranger smiled at me in the shop today. It warmed my heart. Cold heart. Didn't know how much i was missing being smiled at.
I still go out and walk with a fear. of not feeling well suddenly. that i might be too tired suddenly.
in this vast vast country.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Well! Berlin
Welll Welll! Well!!
Am in Berlin! Finally. hahaha
Nein Nein!
It's not sophisticated. It's not extraordinary. it's not impressive.
It's not London. It's contradictory. It's much like me.
It's like everything at the same time.
It's simple. it's colourful with its trees.
i am here since 4 days. I have loved it the moment I got into the taxi.
It's not packed. where I live, no traffic.
Lots of noise from planes and aircrafts. But it's a strange city.
Has it got a soul? Comparing with London... I have half of my heart in north of London.
The cold winds of London are mine.
Aber Berlin. Berlin ist ! Nur ist ! it's like saying I am what I am. Love me, hate me. I don't care. I am.
I have also realised that I am home everywhere. The sky is mine. Breathe in, the sun is mine. the moon is mine.
these clouds. yes mine too..
Yes yes! I have cried listening to Darren for some time this evening. My belly aches. something in my stomach. My lack of heart and feelings. or too much of it. and had to cry it out.
I am terribly afraid.
I am terribly afraid of what in fact?
That I will be alone all the time. No warm hand to hold. It feels good to hold a warm hand. ok! that should make me cry now.
For future reference: feelings are important where certain things are concerned.
I thought it's easier to go without the feelings.
Well, my child it is not. you might get into a terrible vortex of guilt and wanting something you don't have.
Yes I do feel like a little robot. Running straight ahead doing just what needs to be done.
But stop, breathe. Wonder about who painted those trees all green.
Please. Don't stop being all crazy.
It's okay to be afraid. Scared. But it's as important to deal with this peur. that thing in your stomach that doesn't let you go forward.
Connect to the lord. It's important. connect to the sky. to those birds. Look how they fly around to make you smile.
Then smile.
Your heart is whole.
Berlin! yeah back to Berlin!
I am different here. I am of different colour. Physically different.
There aren't much like me.
But smile, laugh, no shit!
sun sets at half past nine, It's not a good thing! It might be novelty! But nicht gut.
Ok talking and thinking about it I found what is wrong here!
The understatement!
Am in Berlin! Finally. hahaha
Nein Nein!
It's not sophisticated. It's not extraordinary. it's not impressive.
It's not London. It's contradictory. It's much like me.
It's like everything at the same time.
It's simple. it's colourful with its trees.
i am here since 4 days. I have loved it the moment I got into the taxi.
It's not packed. where I live, no traffic.
Lots of noise from planes and aircrafts. But it's a strange city.
Has it got a soul? Comparing with London... I have half of my heart in north of London.
The cold winds of London are mine.
Aber Berlin. Berlin ist ! Nur ist ! it's like saying I am what I am. Love me, hate me. I don't care. I am.
I have also realised that I am home everywhere. The sky is mine. Breathe in, the sun is mine. the moon is mine.
these clouds. yes mine too..
Yes yes! I have cried listening to Darren for some time this evening. My belly aches. something in my stomach. My lack of heart and feelings. or too much of it. and had to cry it out.
I am terribly afraid.
I am terribly afraid of what in fact?
That I will be alone all the time. No warm hand to hold. It feels good to hold a warm hand. ok! that should make me cry now.
For future reference: feelings are important where certain things are concerned.
I thought it's easier to go without the feelings.
Well, my child it is not. you might get into a terrible vortex of guilt and wanting something you don't have.
Yes I do feel like a little robot. Running straight ahead doing just what needs to be done.
But stop, breathe. Wonder about who painted those trees all green.
Please. Don't stop being all crazy.
It's okay to be afraid. Scared. But it's as important to deal with this peur. that thing in your stomach that doesn't let you go forward.
Connect to the lord. It's important. connect to the sky. to those birds. Look how they fly around to make you smile.
Then smile.
Your heart is whole.
Berlin! yeah back to Berlin!
I am different here. I am of different colour. Physically different.
There aren't much like me.
But smile, laugh, no shit!
sun sets at half past nine, It's not a good thing! It might be novelty! But nicht gut.
Ok talking and thinking about it I found what is wrong here!
The understatement!
Friday, June 19, 2015
Irish purple
Hello gelllo!
doesn't make sense! okay . sorry..
I play the piano. did i tell you that. well yeah i learn to play.
It's absolutely good for the brain. ..
because yeah you know, the brain. it completely hates new things. it like the well walked, run along path.
and when you're learning new things, creating new paths. well it gets angry. shouts at you to do usual things. but that brain, yeah, should be taught new things.
yeah doesn't make much sense.
don't worry. you'll figure it out.
I am not out and about.
My job is currently to look for a job.
Something i'd settle in. be good at.
I was chasing the moon last evening. My friend says I need a boyfriend. Old and no boyfriend.
Told him I liked him.
Then i got pissed at myself.
I don't like to be reminded that I got no boyfriend, or am alone. or whatever. or have no hand to hold.
or whatever.
So i listened to Savage Garden. The lover after me. To the moon and back. and it got me crying ofcourse. because it made bloody sense. Darren Hayes i will have your babies if you don't mind.
then I started to watch New Girl again. it's not exactly funny. But spot on!
I got no job. I am hypochondriac. I stay away from people.
I am not a robot. I think i need to remind myself of that more often.
am a hot/warm blooded person. was gonna write woman! but who am i bloody talking to !
You do not define me. I do not define me. Why should I define me.
I am going to bloody Berlin in 2 weeks. In july, am going to be back to Europe.
I am leaving nothing here.
Last time I left my country, there were grey eyes that haunted me. calling me back home. I wanted to work with that old man! I loved him. still do.
But this time, no sir! nothing.
I looked at the photos of my second home, hertfordshire. i looked at the sky. and oh lord, those skies were mine.
Am glad I got connected.
Some lines i wrote some years back made sense now.
good enough.
I have more skies to explore. More sunlight to block from my eyes.
more flowers to wonder about.
The problem with staying silent, is people have their time to make all sorts of ideas about you.
and it gets funny when they think that you are actually stupid. oh! what-eva!
hah!
I know what a heavy heart means now. it's when you are deeply connected to something, physically away from it but still it's part of you. you remember the smell of it, how the air felt maybe the noise as well.
Being present in that moment, in that place. You actually have roots there once you're connected.
Is it what they call happiness.
and the ache to just be there again. Because everything there belongs to you. without effort. and no one takes that from you.
I am going to Berlin.. yes finally. no fuss about it.
My dearest Divya says am going on adventure. she got it all right without me telling her.
I didn't know what to tell her back. that she will have her adventure too..?
She knows me all too well. knows I won't settle.
I will not settle for anything. I am going to own everything i want. Owning is such a terrible word you think?
I mean i own the skies. The colours are mine. the sunshine is mine and ofcourse the moon.
so! I will not settle. maybe I do want an Irish guy!
I am going to write it so it doesn't bother me...
I looked at our pictures together, something wasn't fitting. He didn't look mine.
He kept on saying things. I agreed. I love him immensely. but he just didn't look mine.
there was something wrong. was i forcing things.
Lesson learnt, I will shut my mouth.
Ok done.
I ain't no sunshine darling!
I ain't no moonbeam,
doesn't make sense! okay . sorry..
I play the piano. did i tell you that. well yeah i learn to play.
It's absolutely good for the brain. ..
because yeah you know, the brain. it completely hates new things. it like the well walked, run along path.
and when you're learning new things, creating new paths. well it gets angry. shouts at you to do usual things. but that brain, yeah, should be taught new things.
yeah doesn't make much sense.
don't worry. you'll figure it out.
I am not out and about.
My job is currently to look for a job.
Something i'd settle in. be good at.
I was chasing the moon last evening. My friend says I need a boyfriend. Old and no boyfriend.
Told him I liked him.
Then i got pissed at myself.
I don't like to be reminded that I got no boyfriend, or am alone. or whatever. or have no hand to hold.
or whatever.
So i listened to Savage Garden. The lover after me. To the moon and back. and it got me crying ofcourse. because it made bloody sense. Darren Hayes i will have your babies if you don't mind.
then I started to watch New Girl again. it's not exactly funny. But spot on!
I got no job. I am hypochondriac. I stay away from people.
I am not a robot. I think i need to remind myself of that more often.
am a hot/warm blooded person. was gonna write woman! but who am i bloody talking to !
You do not define me. I do not define me. Why should I define me.
I am going to bloody Berlin in 2 weeks. In july, am going to be back to Europe.
I am leaving nothing here.
Last time I left my country, there were grey eyes that haunted me. calling me back home. I wanted to work with that old man! I loved him. still do.
But this time, no sir! nothing.
I looked at the photos of my second home, hertfordshire. i looked at the sky. and oh lord, those skies were mine.
Am glad I got connected.
Some lines i wrote some years back made sense now.
good enough.
I have more skies to explore. More sunlight to block from my eyes.
more flowers to wonder about.
The problem with staying silent, is people have their time to make all sorts of ideas about you.
and it gets funny when they think that you are actually stupid. oh! what-eva!
hah!
I know what a heavy heart means now. it's when you are deeply connected to something, physically away from it but still it's part of you. you remember the smell of it, how the air felt maybe the noise as well.
Being present in that moment, in that place. You actually have roots there once you're connected.
Is it what they call happiness.
and the ache to just be there again. Because everything there belongs to you. without effort. and no one takes that from you.
I am going to Berlin.. yes finally. no fuss about it.
My dearest Divya says am going on adventure. she got it all right without me telling her.
I didn't know what to tell her back. that she will have her adventure too..?
She knows me all too well. knows I won't settle.
I will not settle for anything. I am going to own everything i want. Owning is such a terrible word you think?
I mean i own the skies. The colours are mine. the sunshine is mine and ofcourse the moon.
so! I will not settle. maybe I do want an Irish guy!
I am going to write it so it doesn't bother me...
I looked at our pictures together, something wasn't fitting. He didn't look mine.
He kept on saying things. I agreed. I love him immensely. but he just didn't look mine.
there was something wrong. was i forcing things.
Lesson learnt, I will shut my mouth.
Ok done.
I ain't no sunshine darling!
I ain't no moonbeam,
Friday, May 29, 2015
The Hiding place
Last time I saw my post Raining over Berlin, that made me cry.
Dreams are recurrent. The ones that come again and again. they are just waiting to be fulfilled.
Yes I am going to Berlin. To Germany.
My wanting to go to Germany started because of one man. yes, let's put it like that. as simple as possible.
It's not bubbling inside my stomach for the moment. I haven't realised yet (physically) that am going to be there.
I haven't had wild dreams about it. it's not something that I am chasing or that is chasing me.
I simply have to do it.
Yes, the need to belong to nowhere and to travel has always been there.
It scared me to think that next winter i'll be in the same place that i am right now.
To grow the same flowers again.
It scares me to think i'll not be moving and not be going to see new things, doing new things.
But today I am surely pissed. against myself mainly and some other people.
Yes I let them treat me as a baby, someone who doesn't know what he's doing.
I love the word piss pot. and am not a piss pot!
I am not what you'd say a good friend. that annoys me today.
I am as clear as possible with my dealings with people, if there's something about them that bothers me, then it gets difficult for me. I can't clearly tell someone that they're bothering me.
So i get to my hiding place.
Dreams are recurrent. The ones that come again and again. they are just waiting to be fulfilled.
Yes I am going to Berlin. To Germany.
My wanting to go to Germany started because of one man. yes, let's put it like that. as simple as possible.
It's not bubbling inside my stomach for the moment. I haven't realised yet (physically) that am going to be there.
I haven't had wild dreams about it. it's not something that I am chasing or that is chasing me.
I simply have to do it.
Yes, the need to belong to nowhere and to travel has always been there.
It scared me to think that next winter i'll be in the same place that i am right now.
To grow the same flowers again.
It scares me to think i'll not be moving and not be going to see new things, doing new things.
But today I am surely pissed. against myself mainly and some other people.
Yes I let them treat me as a baby, someone who doesn't know what he's doing.
I love the word piss pot. and am not a piss pot!
I am not what you'd say a good friend. that annoys me today.
I am as clear as possible with my dealings with people, if there's something about them that bothers me, then it gets difficult for me. I can't clearly tell someone that they're bothering me.
So i get to my hiding place.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Raining over the south
Dear Cat People,
Ofcourse I wouldn't be here if I had a proper job. But let's be serious here, I never wanted a serious job. All i have even wanted was to travel, take them pictures, photos and rant about it.
I keep thinking these days, now that am getting older!! haha to that!, would my younger self, let's say the 15 years old one, would I be happy about how things are going?
Last time, i talked to a friend, told him what i was up to. what i've been doing. he was not happy, he thought it was all shit.
I say it's part of the process.
I have after some weeks and months, really come to the place I wanted. it's not very clear. Let me explain.
Few months back, i didn't know where I was going. Didn't have no plans. Started to think it's all a waste of time.
Looking at stars don't definitely quiet the hungry stomach! take that!
Yeah, I love being clueless! It's irritating. At 15 you know u need to finish school and go to university. Study.
It's supposed to be a laid out plan. everyone follows.
seriously, i didn't quite bother what i'd do after uni. the time came, i got a work. got back to uni. loved it the second time.
got some more work. Didn't get time to question whether I was satisfied or now.
I have discovered that there's no little or big job. no big people no small people. in terms of jobs ofcourse.
As long as i was doing something, kept me busy. i was okay.
Now, i play the piano, since a year now. the 15 year old would be proud, would even say she knew it. She knew we'd make something up.
Right now, i have a choked voice. can't sing to Incubus real good. but that's okay.
I don't know whether not crying makes me any stronger.
how would you measure strength anyway?
A man's way of strength would definitely be that he doesn't cry. then, it's also the ability of being able to show the emotions.
that's rat shit!
or horse shit!
It's clear to me by now, that there are two sides of me. I cannot put any away! that would be suicide!
the soft heart and the badass heart, with no emotions one!
The thing is to have a plan. if it doesn't work out in the beginning, no problem. work with other plans.
but if in the future you see that you're coming back to a certain plan. then go ahead, work with it.
People keep coming. People you will love and hope you'd be able to stay with.
People who make you smile and laugh. just being with them makes you a better person. They don't judge you, just is! Life just it!
Then there are some who make you cry. Tearless, choking cries, which make everything incomprehensible.
I have decided that I don't want any of these people. I would love them sure, but i don't want them.
Give them all when they come to you, but not yourself.
But then, me being a strange being, the problem may be lying within me!
Do not force anything, so I have learnt.
In the past i thought i kicked open doors. Oh fool! they were open for me!
It is endless Love, but don't let it make you a fool! not a fool for love!
but not a fool to logic either!!
Love fills you with joy,
Logic fills you with self confidence.
A mix of both would be lovely!
Stories usually fill my head. stories i make up to feel good. But then lately, at times, I do not feel the need for these stories.. I am naturally light and happy! just Am! hahahah
What makes you sleep at night? i googled sleep, and sleepy hollow came!!
Ofcourse I wouldn't be here if I had a proper job. But let's be serious here, I never wanted a serious job. All i have even wanted was to travel, take them pictures, photos and rant about it.
I keep thinking these days, now that am getting older!! haha to that!, would my younger self, let's say the 15 years old one, would I be happy about how things are going?
Last time, i talked to a friend, told him what i was up to. what i've been doing. he was not happy, he thought it was all shit.
I say it's part of the process.
I have after some weeks and months, really come to the place I wanted. it's not very clear. Let me explain.
Few months back, i didn't know where I was going. Didn't have no plans. Started to think it's all a waste of time.
Looking at stars don't definitely quiet the hungry stomach! take that!
Yeah, I love being clueless! It's irritating. At 15 you know u need to finish school and go to university. Study.
It's supposed to be a laid out plan. everyone follows.
seriously, i didn't quite bother what i'd do after uni. the time came, i got a work. got back to uni. loved it the second time.
got some more work. Didn't get time to question whether I was satisfied or now.
I have discovered that there's no little or big job. no big people no small people. in terms of jobs ofcourse.
As long as i was doing something, kept me busy. i was okay.
Now, i play the piano, since a year now. the 15 year old would be proud, would even say she knew it. She knew we'd make something up.
Right now, i have a choked voice. can't sing to Incubus real good. but that's okay.
I don't know whether not crying makes me any stronger.
how would you measure strength anyway?
A man's way of strength would definitely be that he doesn't cry. then, it's also the ability of being able to show the emotions.
that's rat shit!
or horse shit!
It's clear to me by now, that there are two sides of me. I cannot put any away! that would be suicide!
the soft heart and the badass heart, with no emotions one!
The thing is to have a plan. if it doesn't work out in the beginning, no problem. work with other plans.
but if in the future you see that you're coming back to a certain plan. then go ahead, work with it.
People keep coming. People you will love and hope you'd be able to stay with.
People who make you smile and laugh. just being with them makes you a better person. They don't judge you, just is! Life just it!
Then there are some who make you cry. Tearless, choking cries, which make everything incomprehensible.
I have decided that I don't want any of these people. I would love them sure, but i don't want them.
Give them all when they come to you, but not yourself.
But then, me being a strange being, the problem may be lying within me!
Do not force anything, so I have learnt.
In the past i thought i kicked open doors. Oh fool! they were open for me!
It is endless Love, but don't let it make you a fool! not a fool for love!
but not a fool to logic either!!
Love fills you with joy,
Logic fills you with self confidence.
A mix of both would be lovely!
Stories usually fill my head. stories i make up to feel good. But then lately, at times, I do not feel the need for these stories.. I am naturally light and happy! just Am! hahahah
What makes you sleep at night? i googled sleep, and sleepy hollow came!!
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