Raining over the moon

There was an eclipse visible in Australia today, while we were still asleep in my country. Flowers in Autumn. I guess my life is pretty much done. Played in snow... Breathed in the sweet smell of spring. Enjoyed a northern summer sun. and seen them leaves turn red, yellow and orange until the winter winds strip the trees of all leaves, only to replace the branches with snow. Oh did I not feel love surrounding me... That maybe I now love the cruel clouds and forgot all about my blue skies... Maybe, just maybe I left my night sky behind. It is sure a misery, that i lost all i had in my heart, Finally gave it away, Now, I have to see the world again, I need to fill it again.

Spies

I do not deal with failures well. I hate them. I guess it's same with all people. but I am talking for myself. I have my own arrogance. oh I don't give a rat's ass about people. Never had. All I need is to feel good in my own skin. and to feel good in my own skin, i need to succeed in what i do. Reminds me funnily of one thing. I have an orange long sleeve shirt. At first when I bought it, I always thought it was really nice on me. I never lived off compliments, i don't trust people. simple as that. but i trusted myself, when i thought i looked great in it. But apparently, I never looked nice at all in it!! YEAH! do i care now. after 3 or 4 years. i still have that silly shirt. I don't like it that much. But however, it made me feel good about myself. so it counts! I think I may be having some problems relating to objects outside myself. Or again! I simply don't care about the things around me. Or my aura is so effing small, I can collide with anything, I don't feel things around me. Physically enough to avoid them. Hence thinking bout it, i've always been bumpy, colliding and hurting myself all the bloody time. But anyhow, am living. dead things are not. hahah! I love the sky. Maybe we're part of each other. But the vastness is where I belong. I don't want to be shut off with objects. I want the music to float higher. on higher notes. But they don't understand. I am loving what I do right now. It's good to feel worthwhile. hahahah! And oh! i have to show what I am made up of too. Yeah of star dust, cooked with cosmic radiation. Hell!! Oh so Peter is reigning over my head. I needed a break from writing technical stuffs. I don't know what other think of me. Dead or alive. I don't know if i'd make any difference to anyone. hahhahah! harsh things to say. All I can pray is that no one binds me to anything. I have made it. I ran away. But loved ones, the smell of roses, the need to know everything are things that get you attached. Love will release you from everything, just to bind you in itself. and that my friend, is all you will ever want in your little life.

Neues Haus

Woozzaa to myself, I cannot get rid of a certain kind of jealousy. So i took the jealousy and turned it into a kind of motivation. I wish to see the beautiful places too. OOH i did make a list of all the things I want to be. And I am proud to say that I have worked over the years to be accomplished... listwise! I changed house... new place... thought i adapt well, but very day i wake up wondering on which bed did i just wake up.... bad thing bad thing for you... I do not feel much anymore i guess. the last one i could, i got rid of it through tears.

Relate-ion-ships

Hello stars!
it's a quarter moon outside. but to us little earthlings, it is half of a moon.
do not argue with what you see. Stupids eh!
We don't want to know anything about science. what we see is the only truth, isn't it?

Something is terribly bothering me about myself ofcourse. Am I too detached?
There was a night I saw the moon and just weeped. Why on Earth didn't he love me. that's the only question i had.
Am I so cold and distant?

But then, thinking very scientifically, :))
It is not that I don't care. I just don't have to show it all the time.

If I need to hold your hand to go on, i'll do it without asking,
and i expect the same from you. I don't have to say it, you must know by now I love you.
Maybe i am not one into PDA?! private display of affection!

i just need my space to explode. to explore this world. so that i can come down to you to share my stories. but by then you don't want to hear about them at all.
I swear I do.

uneven thoughts occuring right now. i do not even know who it's addressed to right now.
interesting.
having two sides of a working brain.

Raining over Me

Hello la vie!
today i did something i was thinking of doing for some time now. and
it was experimentation. and oh lord! never again.
Was just watching a song with a girl having long braided hair... Yeah i admit
i miss my long hair. sure it's missing me too...
Have I changed? i wanted to be bolder this year. changed the looks for sure.
Am i still the same person i used to be.
Do i need to be the same person i've always been.
Always change for the better. that is for one.
for two? dunno yet.

Did I give up on love? i ain't looking for it either am I ?

and today i did something noble. i kept my eyes down and walked past it.

Who the bloody hell am I ? i don't seem to know anymore.

and the only way to know is the to look at the sky and wonder no more about your origins.
We are all made of stars.

There is no time no more. I do what i want when i want.

i don't please anyone. i don't have to.
i still haven't found the scorpio.

Iron butterfly

What you think the world thinks of you. and what you think the world thinks of you.

these two things are very very different from each other.

and i think 4 years of my life have been miserable. university years. i was
fighting about trying to find my passion. i cried about it. and then after that i did
find my passion. Unrestricted love for engines and all that comes with it.
real Engine-ering. yeah assholes. i made it.

i never had many fans. i am quite proud of it in fact. you can't please everyone.
and just today, no i don't want to take any sort of revenge on people i thought were my friends.
Ah friends indeed!

And know what? I am made up of Sidney Sheldon's books! yeah it seems. outrageous. Care for nothing. One thing i learnt from him is that Revenge can only turn back being bad for yourself.
No worries.

Live life. It's an adventure. and it was no adventure during those university years.
Smile you're alive. :)
Yes it seems i am re-inventing myself. or am i just being all i wanted to be.
Being a Sidney Sheldon lady after all. and that is truly difficult.

Oh! when people call you ugly... do not worry. they still love you. They are the ones who will call you beautiful eventually.
I do prefer those who talk bluntly. at least you know what's on their mind. contrary to those who shut up.
Me? i just respect your choices. I have a friend who taught me to respect the choices of others.
Whatever makes you happy mate!

Yes it's complicated. It's a woven fabric. Yes. you have to find your way through it.
Stop looking for things. Just look at the things that found their way to you.
And it's beautiful. and yes. i have, you have the choice to reject.
No one can force you to do what you do not want to.
So please. Live.

Raining over Berlin

Maybe you're a ghost you know. It's 01.21 in the morning.
early morning i went to look for Scorpio. no no i cannot find him yet.
scorpio and his twisted ways. all i know is that london is south. and
south east is where is wakes up from.
and OH! it's spring here you know. SPRING. the spring. real one.

however much i don't want to admit, i am a horrible person trying
to hide behind kindness.
but there! i am free now. to please myself. and do it in my way. my ways.
I truly do not want to know what you think about me now. no one.

I have been told twice in a day that i close my eyes to the reality of the
world. but oh! mister! shut up! who wants to see ugly things if we can see
God given spring. Spring. i am sure i haven't seen the full of all it can offer.
but surely it is beautiful . the pretty white flowers.
beautiful. i loved it before knowing what it was.
my camera is coming soon.

At least i know, at least, one person on earth doesn't want me back home. hahahh
i love him! my very own old man. not my father. i am sure he wants me to discover the
world too. but i got another old man that i call my own.
I do need to see the world. and I need to keep reminding myself of this.
Do not fall into the common. Do not conform. I cannot.
I don't remember exactly.. but Barbossa said. .. You need to get lost to find something
that cannot be found...
so let go of the steering. and trust the lord! He's the one who makes awesome plans!
you just need to keep your sleeping bag ready.

i don't know whether my philosophy of running away from people is right... but it sure is
the only way to save yourself. and blast it.


By the way, i look awesome in dresses. i cut my hair. i wear dresses with boots. or skirts with boots and a leather jacket. yes. i did it.

At times i ponder on this.. Girl! you made it! you actually made it.
Now that it got started. Let's go to Berlin.

Let them think what they want, I want to be outrageous.
I love the sun more than ever,
I sat on the green grass enjoying the warm day,
I say bad words out loud, who cares,
I don't want no one to take my hand and whisper sweet nice words,
We're done with apologies, maybe i was carved in another kinda fabric.
but i want it all now.

I wanna go to Berlin.

P.s the birds sing all night long here. dunno what's the matter with them. maybe they're happy it's spring... i would sing too if it was my time of the year. haahahahahah
i love crows, it doesn't make sense loving these horrible birds i think.
All i want is to lay on the grass and watch the pretty yellow flowers grow.
no one can hold you back. do not let them. you are a free spirit remember. and you choose your own chains. and let that be the chain that ties you to the infinite absolute. the rest! well the rest is useless!

Raining over Jupiter

The first planet I had seen as rose above in the sky was Jupiter.
yes that very first flight. i didn't know what i was looking at. or rather
who i was looking at.

My technical and critical side of my mind has already taken up the relay.
so no sweet words are reaching my heart. i get exhausted.
Maybe I am afterall like the others, waiting for it all to get over.
so that all i could do with my days is take care of my garden and read my books.

Is it that i have no ambitions at all? I don't know. it's such a complicated place.

But then who will free us from all misery of the world. oh by the way
Happy New Year.

i can clearly remember year after year. watching the fireworks. it all looked the same. year after year. my heart pounding as the explosions grew louder and louder.
I still don't know what the celebrations were about. We had to get back to work the next day anyway.
But during those nights, as my heart would cry as Orion would disappear behind wordly clouds.

there is no chronological follow up in my thoughts i am sorry.
but the thing i can remember is me saying : I am going.

Oh i must get over the fact that I have left home.
Many people did it. what the hell am i crying about.
I cannot talk to no one. the reason i am here primarily.

The problem with sweet words or compliments as you would say, is that it never
comes from people you would want it to come from.
So when it comes from a person you have no heart for, it does not make any sense.
I am talking as someone who ofcourse does not care for sweet words from the world.
Do they really mean it? Who knows that heart!! hahahaha
Hypocrites all the bunch of them. No not all of them.

Some people I guess don't feel the need to say those sweet words. (maybe me included) but at times they just burst out.
You just don't know what you're capable of doing until you do it. YES LIKE TAKING THE PLANE.

I will always remember myself in Dubai. as i walked through this lounge. full of people. women and men more and more beautiful by the step i took. i felt like a dwarf or a goblin or a gollum.
International had taken a whole new meaning. The world awaited. The world always awaits.
for a new person to emerge. To take up the challenge.
So i was there walking and struggling with my bags, but i stood straight. i might have been uncomfortable but I knew i was going somewhere.
Some say it doesn't matter where you're going as long as you know where your roots are.
and some say that you don't have to know where you come from, just have to know where you're going to.

Well here, i'd propose a merging and say that knowing your roots is as important as knowing where you're going.

Can you imagine what it would be like if the sun made any sound at sunrise and sunset?
what it would be like if all the stars would make a sound or a music as they rose above in the sky.
Apart from being totally awesome, it would be chaotic.
Trying to exist. making your existance perceived.
Then God had the brilliant idea of the vacuum, said, Sound, thou shalt not travel in space. then BAAM ! Silence.
Imagine the sound of a 'roaring' blackhole.
the rotation of a galaxy. beating of pulsar.
But then maybe our senses are not enough. a level too low. maybe our brains not evolved enough for so much processing of so many senses we are supposed to have.

That theory of butterfly's flapping wings in amazon and tsunami in japan. i think i decoded it in a weird manner.

i don't feel like writing anymore.
Check on u later .